I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
