I think I just saw someone hide a body.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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