I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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