If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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