I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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