We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
