You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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