i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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