just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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