I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
