I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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