I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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