If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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