My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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