There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
