My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
