I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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