so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize