i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
