oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I just shit out all my problems.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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