you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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