He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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