Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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