There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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