Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize