i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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