Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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