and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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