I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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