i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
