yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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