when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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