When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
