anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
