Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
