Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My liver just had a heart attack.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
