I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
