Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
