you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
