i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
