woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
