this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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