Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
