get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We don't watch enough power rangers
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize