Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
