he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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