I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
