he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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