the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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