Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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