never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
