Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
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