Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
