Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize