I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
