I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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