So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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