Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
