i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
